Easter Weekend

Well here we are, the day after Jesus was resurrected. This weekend was bittersweet for me.

On the one hand, I am eternally grateful for Jesus' sacrifice for me. I am overwhelmed by the fact that I am forgiven for my sins. I am extremely happy that Jesus rose again to prove that he has paid for them.

On the other hand, I sit here with my heart on my sleeve, as usual. My brother got married in Big Bear this weekend. I am happy for them, truely. I pray all the best for them. Saturday was hard. It seemed like a slap in the face for me. Nick and Amanda (my brother and sister in law who got married) are pregnant with twins. Yeahhhhh. Nick has a job, but Amanda just had a baby at the same time that Madison was due. Hard to see a baby girl the same age as Madison would have been. So Leilani is 6 months old, and Amanda is pregnant again. She doesn't have a job. They live with my dad and Sharon. Are you kidding me?

Then the wedding is going on and my other brother, Joe is there with his fiance Danielle. I guess they have only known each other for a few months. Whatever. So they are sitting at the table with us and she mentions that she wants a pickle and peanut butter. Jokingly, I said, "What are you pregnant too????". I started laughing, hahahaha, stupid me right? Yeah, well then they chose to tell Joe and I then that yes in fact she was pregnant. She was due on December 5th. UNBELIEVABLE. If I got pregnant this last time, I would have been due December 8th. I was sick to my stomach. I tried to play it off like it was nothing, but inside my heart was breaking. The worst part is NEITHER of them have jobs and are currently living with my dad and Sharon too. There are only 3 bedrooms in their house, and there are about 12 people currently living there. It is insanity there.

I can not believe what is happening. I am trying to understand what God is doing. I know he is supposed to not give us more then we can handle but really? How strong does he think I am? Evidently a lot more then I think. When Madison was born, I had at least 5 other people around me that were pregnant and all of them had their baby. Now, when I am trying again, add up the list again and it is getting higher by the minute. My sister, my 2 brothers. I get that it is on God's time and not mine, but sometimes that doesn't seem good enough for me.

Joe and I love each other so much, we are believers in Christ, and we have our own place to live. We are financially stable and have been ready for a baby for over a year. But here we sit, childless. It is a harsh reality that affected both him and I this weekend. Fair is not even in our vocabulary anymore. This just sucks.

Thank God that Joe and I have the desire and want to adopt. If for some reason, our own baby is not meant to be, we at least have options we can agree on. I will love an adopted baby as much as I would my own, but it would be so nice to have a child we made together.

So this week, my focus is on how to be grateful for the things I do have. I have a wonderful marriage, I have 2 awesome kittens that we both love so very much, we both have jobs that pay well, we can afford to move to a 2 bedroom apartment, and we both have our health. I want to remember how to be grateful.

Crystal