Journeys Sometimes Suck

It seems like yesterday I was pregnant. I still have flashes of the day we found out she wasn't alive, or the day we delivered her. I think so often of her. How old she would be now, what she would look like. How much we loved her even when we hadn't met her yet. She was what we thought about when we woke up and when we went to sleep. It all seems so cruel to lose a child.

I am better. I can't say I will ever heal, but I am better. I can think of her now and not cry all the time. I can look at her stuff and think of the good things she brought into our lives. I can look towards the future and start to hope again. But I will never forget her. I will never stop loving her. I will always call her my first child. I will always include her in the family. No one can take that away from me.

So here we are, 9 months after Madison was born, 6 months after a myomectomy surgery and one month into trying again. Last month was one of the worst months I have had since Madison went to heaven. In my mind, I thought about what it was going to be like to get pregnant again. You know, EASY like before. Evidently, I was wrong.

We tried and I fully expected to get a positive 2 days before my period was supposed to start. Just like what happened with Madison. I was having all of these symptoms that I could have sworn I was. I started testing too early, getting negatives. I tested 2 days before, then 1 day before then 1 day after and still all negatives. I had my doctor run a blood test, and STILL negative. I was convinced that I was pregnant and the test was wrong and everyone was WRONG. I was never late. 3 days after I was supposed to start, I did. I guess the stress of my obsession had forced my body to try to deal with the stress somehow and my hormones were affected. Part of me still thought maybe I was pregnant because there are women who have had their periods during pregnancy. But ultimately, I knew deep down inside me that I wasn't.

How do you deal with something like that? Hope is what keeps people sane. Hope is how you wake up every morning. Hope is what you get back after losing your daughter. Hope is what God gives to you. And when you lose it again, it hurts. So bad. It forces you to review all over what got you to hopelessness. And here I am again.

My surgery could have caused some infertility issues. My fibroids could have caused more stillbirths or miscarriages. So what do you do? My only thought in this was that I had to do something that would give me the best possible chance to carry a baby full term. But never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would REALLY have infertility issues. I know that it has only been one month, but if I got pregnant so easy last time, I shouldn't have had any problems this time if there wasn't going to be an issue.

I know it is jumping the gun. I know that it may not become an issue, but to me, it already has. To me, this is all real. I am the one that had to see my husbands face fall when the tests were negative. I am the one that feels the guilt. I am the one that deals with the period that tells me I am not pregnant. I am the one with the phyisical problem. It eats at you, makes you feel lesser.

I am more positive this month. I am not going to allow this to consume me like last month. I have started charting, which helps me to focus on something. It is good for me to temp in the morning and plot my charts. I feel like I am controlling something. Because this is all WAY out of my hands. I have decided that I am going to wait for my period to start this month. I am not going to test before it is missed. I bought some ovulation prediction tests that will give me a little more control. But I am not obsessing. I refuse to be like I was last month. I refuse to let it take over me.

We are moving next month around the time that my period should be starting. I am hoping that it doesn't but if it does, I will at least have my move to focus on.

Please don't judge me on my feelings. They are mine alone. I live with them.

MommyLuLu