The Purpose of Existence

So there was a purpose to no posts in the last week or so. Mostly because I AM PREGNANT!!!!! I didn't think it was appropriate to announce it to my family members on this blog. A little too impersonal for me.

Purpose of Existence...The title of this post. I think one of mine is to be a mom. Of course, God always has different plans then those we set for ourselves, but I am fairly certain that this is one of my purposes. So when I found out I was pregnant again, my first thought was, I don't believe it. I don't believe that God and I are on the same page. And maybe we still aren't. I don't know.

We have named this baby Ta-Ta until we can figure out what the sex is, which is in about a bizzilion years. I am due on January 7th or 8th, depending on what site you look at. I have my first doctor's appointment on May 22nd. I have had some pain so I have already had an ultrasound last week, but it was too early to see anything. So we play the waiting game. My doctor has put me on Progesterone because my progesterone level dropped by 10 in a few days. A pre-cautionary really. I am waiting for test results back from today to compare. My HCG has gone from 237 on 4/30 to 1084 on 5/4 to 3619 on 5/6. So the numbers are tripling it seems every 2-3 days. Hence, I am disgustingly nauseous at times. There has not been any rhyme or reason to when. I think the medication is making me sick too. Food is a battle right now. Can't always figure out what I want to eat, and when I do I get over it half way through eating it.

All this and I am only 5 weeks and 3 days today. Oh crap, am I in for it... My sister yesterday was joking that maybe I am having 2, but what if she is right????? One thing at a time right??

So in a nutshell, this about sums up what has been going on the last week or so. Joe and I are really excited but TERRIFIED. I feel like part of me is holding back the excitement in case something were to happen again. You know, protecting myself. I hear it is normal and to be expected. The best way for me to describe the feeling is, I feel numb. I don't quite believe I am pregnant again (although the nausea really helps change that). I want to be so excited like I was with Madison, but I feel so reserved this time.

I already love Ta-Ta very much. He/She gets kisses by Daddy every morning and every night and Mommy rubs her/him all the time. This baby is definitely loved already. Maybe it doesn't matter how reserved we are because our hearts are already in it. Madison had us wrapped around her little finger since the moment we found out I was pregnant. I would bet a million dollars that this baby has already done the same thing.



We love you Madison. We miss you so much. Please watch over your little brother or sister as they grow in Mommy's tummy.

Love,
Your Mommy