The Meaning of June

This is a tough month for me. It used to be one of my favorite months because it was my birthday month and I would try to celebrate it ALL MONTH LONG. It was a joy. I would start to get excited a little before the beginning of June. I always had all these ideas in my head what I wanted to do for my birthday. This year is different.

I keep thinking about last year at this time, we found out that Madison was a girl. We had just had our 19 week big ultrasound and she was doing great. She squiggled around all over the place and seemed to like to sleep with her one arm over her head, like we were bothering her and she wanted to shut us out. She was so perfect and precious. She had such a cute little face and toes. She was a picture of beauty. She also died some time after that.

It hurts to think that a year ago this month, I went through one of the most devastating losses anyone could go through. Who loses a child? Aren't they supposed to grow old and bury you? Aren't they supposed to eventually change your diapers? Aren't they supposed to have children of their own? Madison will never have any of this and it is killing me. I feel like such a failure, like I wasn't a good enough Mom to give her all of those experiences.

I am sure it doesn't help that I am pregnant and overly emotional to begin with, but I am finding it very hard to get through the days without thinking of my little girl and not crying. I long for her. I would give anything to give her life again. I would give up my own life if it meant that she could have hers. And yet, I can't do that.

I am in freak out mode. The other day, I called the doctor's office to see if we could hear the heartbeat on the Doppler yet, and I am about a week or so shy of being able to. I just lost it on the phone because I feel so helpless. I feel like I should be able to protect Ta-Ta but I can't. Which brings me back to my insecurities of not being able to be the mom I should be. I can't do anything to make sure Ta-Ta is alive. I can't fix anything. It is so hard to sit back and just wait.

I think June is always going to be a hard month for me. I feel that I am losing focus more, crying more, sleeping less, and overall just emotional. I miss Madison so much it hurts to even think about it. It hurts more to think of all the things she will never have. I know she is in heaven getting everything her little heart desires, but in my selfishness, I want to give her all I can here on earth. And the reality that it is never going to happen has really settled in. I am grieving the lost of my daughter and perhaps it will never go away. Perhaps I will always grieve her. Doesn't mean I have to like it.

Mommy