June Gloom

Today is my birthday. Hmmmm. What have I done today? Well, since I was too lazy to take care of my expiring driver's license before today, I got up at 6 this morning to go wait in line at DMV. I got there at 7:25 and there was already 10 other people waiting in line. What the hell??? Evidently, there are other crazy and lazy people like me. But they got there earlier...crazier???

So after DMV, I head to work. That's right. I am at work. I must be crazier then I thought. Today, I kinda want to forget that it is my birthday. It is just another reminder that a week from today, one year ago, I was in the hospital, finding out Madison was gone. I remember last year like it was yesterday. I remember the feeling when we found out her heartbeat was gone, I remember the look on Joe's face, I remember the look on my families faces. I remember every detail. Sometimes I want to just forget all that. I NEVER want to forget Maddy, but it would be nice if the pain would go away.

I wonder if this will ever get better. Her due date was tough, but for some reason, I think her birthday is harder. It signifies the day she entered this world and the day she was taken from us. It is all a bit stupid. I know some people have said that there is a reason for this and that it is God's will and it was the right thing to do. I want to cry when I hear those things. I love God, but I don't think I will ever understand why He took her from us. I don't think I will EVER think it was the right thing to do. How can taking away some one's child the right thing to do? It just seems so hard to grasp that fact that anyone gets to lose a child because it was right.

I look toward my husband for strength during this time. I look towards Ta-Ta for the love that I know is already there. I even look towards God, even though it is much harder to do that. I am still really anger with Him. I am still having a hard time thanking Him for taking my daughter away from me.

The fibroids the doctor had to leave in after my myomectomy have decided to rear their ugly heads. It seems that my uterus is twice the size it should be right now. I had an ultrasound on Friday that showed several clusters of fibroids and a thickening in my uterine wall. My doctor says that I might have slight endometriosis. It seems there is nothing I can do at this point except be monitored closely. Looks like I probably will become a high risk patient. I have my next appointment in 2 weeks. The good news is Ta-Ta looks really good. He/she is growing normally and we got to see the heartbeat again. We also saw Ta-Ta practicing boxing. It was pretty cute. We rented a home heartbeat Doppler and so far we have been able to find the heartbeat every time we looked for it. So I am just holding my breathe. I am praying really hard that this baby makes it. I don't think that I can stand to lose Ta-Ta. I just can't do it.

I am off to my birthday dinner. I figured just because I didn't want to celebrate my birthday, it wouldn't be fair to everyone else who wanted to. So off I go.

Next week is going to suck.

Love,
MommyLuLu