Wow, it has been a while. It has been extremely chaotic and busy for us. Obviously I haven't even had any time to update my blog. Well here we go!
My birthday was not bad because my family met us for dinner. Although we ended up in the ER later that night....Not for me. For Joe. His back has been acting up ALOT lately and he was getting to the point that he could barely walk. He looked like an old man hunched over. I bet we looked a sight.....Anyway, they took an MRI of his back and not much came back from that. They sent him home with medication. I wasn't happy with that answer. Since I work at the hospital, I have some connections. So I took his information over to a back specialist, someone who deals with spines all the time. He looked at the original x-ray, CT and MRI and said that he has a Pars fracture that would require surgery to fix. The doctor send a dictation over to Joe's primary doctor and stated his opinion. That put a fire under his butt because all of a sudden Joe had a referral to a orthopedic specialist. It wasn't who I wanted him to go to, but at least it was someone who could really tell him what is going on.
Joe saw the specialist and it was confirmed that he would need surgery. After much dillydallying, they finally got him all set up for surgery. Joe had to go out on disability early because he couldn't work anymore. He is now to the point that he can only relieve some of the pain by laying on his back on the couch. It really sucks for him. He is a pretty hyperactive person, and all this laying around by himself is really getting to him. I wish I could stay home with him to keep him company, but I can't.
So we went to Vegas for my birthday, Maddy's birthday, and Father's Day. This was before Joe got REALLY bad. It was fun. We saw some shows and ate a lot of food. We were able to spend some time with my dad out there as well as my sister. It was pretty uneventful. Oh, except I brought the fetal heart doppler with me and when I tried to find the heartbeat, I couldn't. I tried not to freak because I was only 11 weeks pregnant, but I knew I had found it before, so I figured I should be able to find it again.
Well, when we got back, I couldn't shake the fact that I couldn't find it. I was stressing out, so I called the doctor. He said I could come in for a quick check. But he couldn't find it either. Now I was really freaking out. I called Joe and he left work to come with me to the ultrasound. I was already planning in my head what I was going to do when I got the bad news. I just couldn't believe that it was happening again.
Thank God the tech put us in a room with a working TV. I was able to watch as she did the ultrasound. First thing I saw was the heartbeat. I cried. I was thanking God and the moon that Ta-Ta was still alive. Tators was sleeping and seemed rather annoyed that we were prodding him/her in my belly. Started kicking legs and punching. It was really cute. The tech gave us a printout of a side profile of Tots and I can't believe how much he/she looks like a really baby. At 12 weeks, it is a fully formed baby. Just a large head. AND Ta-Ta was measuring 13 weeks 2 days. So a little big. I might have a linebacker or basketball player in there....
So that was the end of the scare. I am still freaking out everyday, all day. I have started to feel movement, but I am not 100% sure it is the baby and not my intestines moving around. It is really hard to tell this soon. Sometimes I am sure it is movement, then I start to doubt myself. This week I am 16 weeks pregnant. I can't believe I am a month away from half way there. I am starting to get scared of the 22 week mark when Maddy passed away. I know it is still 2 months away, but it still seems right around the corner. This month has passed pretty fast. Day by day, right? I still check for blood expecting something bad to happen when I am sleeping. I can't believe how stressful it is to grow a baby. I am going to be a wreck as a mother if I don't get a handle on my freak outs.
I have a doctors appointment this week on Friday. Then 2 more weeks till we can do the gender ultrasound. I keep thinking I want to know now in case something happens so the baby can have a name. Me and my morbid thoughts. I don't know how else to deal with it. Just the way I am built, I guess. I am REALLY excited to find out if it is a boy or girl. I am having mixed feelings about that though. I think deep down I want a girl, but I don't want to WANT a girl because we lost Madison. I think I might have a hard time separating it in my mind. I think, honestly, I would do better with a boy, mentally, at this time. I think I could maybe handle things better if it is a boy. I don't know. I don't want to be upset either way, but I think it is going to be bittersweet when we do find out.
Joe read Tators a story a few nights ago. It was a story about Tom Kitten. Silly one about a fat kitten bursting all its buttons because he was too fat. Made me think of our Fatty Patty. But it was so cute to watch Joe read to my belly. Evidently, Tots has started to hear his/her first sounds so we thought we could get a head start on reading!
So past Joe's surgery and the last scare, nothing else to report. Those things have taken up a lot of our time and energy. Oh, sickness is lessening, but I am still having to take my medication at night to east the nausea. I find that I am still sick the next day if I don't take it and I can't sleep. So I am going to talk to the doctor about it so that I feel better about taking it. I wish I could do it without anything, but I was a monster when I tried to stop.....
Love you Madison and Tators. You both are Daddy and Mommy's reason for getting up everyday.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
June Gloom
Today is my birthday. Hmmmm. What have I done today? Well, since I was too lazy to take care of my expiring driver's license before today, I got up at 6 this morning to go wait in line at DMV. I got there at 7:25 and there was already 10 other people waiting in line. What the hell??? Evidently, there are other crazy and lazy people like me. But they got there earlier...crazier???
So after DMV, I head to work. That's right. I am at work. I must be crazier then I thought. Today, I kinda want to forget that it is my birthday. It is just another reminder that a week from today, one year ago, I was in the hospital, finding out Madison was gone. I remember last year like it was yesterday. I remember the feeling when we found out her heartbeat was gone, I remember the look on Joe's face, I remember the look on my families faces. I remember every detail. Sometimes I want to just forget all that. I NEVER want to forget Maddy, but it would be nice if the pain would go away.
I wonder if this will ever get better. Her due date was tough, but for some reason, I think her birthday is harder. It signifies the day she entered this world and the day she was taken from us. It is all a bit stupid. I know some people have said that there is a reason for this and that it is God's will and it was the right thing to do. I want to cry when I hear those things. I love God, but I don't think I will ever understand why He took her from us. I don't think I will EVER think it was the right thing to do. How can taking away some one's child the right thing to do? It just seems so hard to grasp that fact that anyone gets to lose a child because it was right.
I look toward my husband for strength during this time. I look towards Ta-Ta for the love that I know is already there. I even look towards God, even though it is much harder to do that. I am still really anger with Him. I am still having a hard time thanking Him for taking my daughter away from me.
The fibroids the doctor had to leave in after my myomectomy have decided to rear their ugly heads. It seems that my uterus is twice the size it should be right now. I had an ultrasound on Friday that showed several clusters of fibroids and a thickening in my uterine wall. My doctor says that I might have slight endometriosis. It seems there is nothing I can do at this point except be monitored closely. Looks like I probably will become a high risk patient. I have my next appointment in 2 weeks. The good news is Ta-Ta looks really good. He/she is growing normally and we got to see the heartbeat again. We also saw Ta-Ta practicing boxing. It was pretty cute. We rented a home heartbeat Doppler and so far we have been able to find the heartbeat every time we looked for it. So I am just holding my breathe. I am praying really hard that this baby makes it. I don't think that I can stand to lose Ta-Ta. I just can't do it.
I am off to my birthday dinner. I figured just because I didn't want to celebrate my birthday, it wouldn't be fair to everyone else who wanted to. So off I go.
Next week is going to suck.
Love,
MommyLuLu
So after DMV, I head to work. That's right. I am at work. I must be crazier then I thought. Today, I kinda want to forget that it is my birthday. It is just another reminder that a week from today, one year ago, I was in the hospital, finding out Madison was gone. I remember last year like it was yesterday. I remember the feeling when we found out her heartbeat was gone, I remember the look on Joe's face, I remember the look on my families faces. I remember every detail. Sometimes I want to just forget all that. I NEVER want to forget Maddy, but it would be nice if the pain would go away.
I wonder if this will ever get better. Her due date was tough, but for some reason, I think her birthday is harder. It signifies the day she entered this world and the day she was taken from us. It is all a bit stupid. I know some people have said that there is a reason for this and that it is God's will and it was the right thing to do. I want to cry when I hear those things. I love God, but I don't think I will ever understand why He took her from us. I don't think I will EVER think it was the right thing to do. How can taking away some one's child the right thing to do? It just seems so hard to grasp that fact that anyone gets to lose a child because it was right.
I look toward my husband for strength during this time. I look towards Ta-Ta for the love that I know is already there. I even look towards God, even though it is much harder to do that. I am still really anger with Him. I am still having a hard time thanking Him for taking my daughter away from me.
The fibroids the doctor had to leave in after my myomectomy have decided to rear their ugly heads. It seems that my uterus is twice the size it should be right now. I had an ultrasound on Friday that showed several clusters of fibroids and a thickening in my uterine wall. My doctor says that I might have slight endometriosis. It seems there is nothing I can do at this point except be monitored closely. Looks like I probably will become a high risk patient. I have my next appointment in 2 weeks. The good news is Ta-Ta looks really good. He/she is growing normally and we got to see the heartbeat again. We also saw Ta-Ta practicing boxing. It was pretty cute. We rented a home heartbeat Doppler and so far we have been able to find the heartbeat every time we looked for it. So I am just holding my breathe. I am praying really hard that this baby makes it. I don't think that I can stand to lose Ta-Ta. I just can't do it.
I am off to my birthday dinner. I figured just because I didn't want to celebrate my birthday, it wouldn't be fair to everyone else who wanted to. So off I go.
Next week is going to suck.
Love,
MommyLuLu
Thursday, June 4, 2009
The Meaning of June
This is a tough month for me. It used to be one of my favorite months because it was my birthday month and I would try to celebrate it ALL MONTH LONG. It was a joy. I would start to get excited a little before the beginning of June. I always had all these ideas in my head what I wanted to do for my birthday. This year is different.
I keep thinking about last year at this time, we found out that Madison was a girl. We had just had our 19 week big ultrasound and she was doing great. She squiggled around all over the place and seemed to like to sleep with her one arm over her head, like we were bothering her and she wanted to shut us out. She was so perfect and precious. She had such a cute little face and toes. She was a picture of beauty. She also died some time after that.
It hurts to think that a year ago this month, I went through one of the most devastating losses anyone could go through. Who loses a child? Aren't they supposed to grow old and bury you? Aren't they supposed to eventually change your diapers? Aren't they supposed to have children of their own? Madison will never have any of this and it is killing me. I feel like such a failure, like I wasn't a good enough Mom to give her all of those experiences.
I am sure it doesn't help that I am pregnant and overly emotional to begin with, but I am finding it very hard to get through the days without thinking of my little girl and not crying. I long for her. I would give anything to give her life again. I would give up my own life if it meant that she could have hers. And yet, I can't do that.
I am in freak out mode. The other day, I called the doctor's office to see if we could hear the heartbeat on the Doppler yet, and I am about a week or so shy of being able to. I just lost it on the phone because I feel so helpless. I feel like I should be able to protect Ta-Ta but I can't. Which brings me back to my insecurities of not being able to be the mom I should be. I can't do anything to make sure Ta-Ta is alive. I can't fix anything. It is so hard to sit back and just wait.
I think June is always going to be a hard month for me. I feel that I am losing focus more, crying more, sleeping less, and overall just emotional. I miss Madison so much it hurts to even think about it. It hurts more to think of all the things she will never have. I know she is in heaven getting everything her little heart desires, but in my selfishness, I want to give her all I can here on earth. And the reality that it is never going to happen has really settled in. I am grieving the lost of my daughter and perhaps it will never go away. Perhaps I will always grieve her. Doesn't mean I have to like it.
Mommy
I keep thinking about last year at this time, we found out that Madison was a girl. We had just had our 19 week big ultrasound and she was doing great. She squiggled around all over the place and seemed to like to sleep with her one arm over her head, like we were bothering her and she wanted to shut us out. She was so perfect and precious. She had such a cute little face and toes. She was a picture of beauty. She also died some time after that.
It hurts to think that a year ago this month, I went through one of the most devastating losses anyone could go through. Who loses a child? Aren't they supposed to grow old and bury you? Aren't they supposed to eventually change your diapers? Aren't they supposed to have children of their own? Madison will never have any of this and it is killing me. I feel like such a failure, like I wasn't a good enough Mom to give her all of those experiences.
I am sure it doesn't help that I am pregnant and overly emotional to begin with, but I am finding it very hard to get through the days without thinking of my little girl and not crying. I long for her. I would give anything to give her life again. I would give up my own life if it meant that she could have hers. And yet, I can't do that.
I am in freak out mode. The other day, I called the doctor's office to see if we could hear the heartbeat on the Doppler yet, and I am about a week or so shy of being able to. I just lost it on the phone because I feel so helpless. I feel like I should be able to protect Ta-Ta but I can't. Which brings me back to my insecurities of not being able to be the mom I should be. I can't do anything to make sure Ta-Ta is alive. I can't fix anything. It is so hard to sit back and just wait.
I think June is always going to be a hard month for me. I feel that I am losing focus more, crying more, sleeping less, and overall just emotional. I miss Madison so much it hurts to even think about it. It hurts more to think of all the things she will never have. I know she is in heaven getting everything her little heart desires, but in my selfishness, I want to give her all I can here on earth. And the reality that it is never going to happen has really settled in. I am grieving the lost of my daughter and perhaps it will never go away. Perhaps I will always grieve her. Doesn't mean I have to like it.
Mommy
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
8 weeks????That's it???????
Hmmm, approaching 8 weeks this week and no end in sight from this ridiculous nausea. I can't be more pleased that I am so sick though. This baby seems to be thriving at the expense of it's poor mother.
We have already had a terrible scare with Ta-Ta. I started bleeding last week, which sent me into a frenzy. Passed a clot the size of Texas which I was sure signalled the end of my pregnancy. But lo and behold, we got an ultrasound and Ta-Ta's little heart was beating a mile a minute, 131 beats per minute to be exact. Little bugger. Scared the shit out of us. Doctor doesn't know exactly why I was bleeding. I am at a threatened miscarriage stage since I started bleeding, but that title is given to anyone who bleeds in the first trimester. My doctor says about 40% of women bleed sometime during their pregnancy so I shouldn't worry. Fat chance of that happening bozo. This kid has a death grip on my nerves.
We had our official 1st doctor's appointment on Friday and I was pleased to find out that I had only gained 1/2 pound. Not so bad considering I am eating everything from the kitchen sink to the cat's food. He told me that I should only gain 20 pounds. HAHAHAHA. Now that is funny. I don't want to hit the 200 marker but I think there's another "Fat Chance" for you DOC. I had already gained 14 pounds when I had Madison at 22 weeks. And since Madison didn't even weigh a pound, most of it was just me in all my fatness.
Constipation is one of the worst thinks God could do to a pregnant woman. Isn't it enough that we have to be sick and have weird pains going on in our stomachs and endure things being stuck up our glory hole for 9 MONTHS? Must we impact the only other place we can get things out of?
I think freak out mode has started after the bleeding event. It has officially become a real live issue. My body is starting to change. I no longer can suck in my stomach. The fat just sits there laughing at me. My doctor says my uterus is measuring a week ahead of schedule, meaning that my oh so cute pooch is about to get oh so not cute. I am actually glad to hear that because when I had the fibroids, Madison had limited space in my uterus and ultimately could have caused the restriction in her cord.
OH AND BEST NEWS EVER!!!!!! He said the last ultrasound showed NO FIBROIDS!!!!!!
Ta-Ta, you better stretch out and enjoy your cozy living quarters. I can't wait to eat your feet. Mommy and Daddy love you very much.
MommyLuLu
We have already had a terrible scare with Ta-Ta. I started bleeding last week, which sent me into a frenzy. Passed a clot the size of Texas which I was sure signalled the end of my pregnancy. But lo and behold, we got an ultrasound and Ta-Ta's little heart was beating a mile a minute, 131 beats per minute to be exact. Little bugger. Scared the shit out of us. Doctor doesn't know exactly why I was bleeding. I am at a threatened miscarriage stage since I started bleeding, but that title is given to anyone who bleeds in the first trimester. My doctor says about 40% of women bleed sometime during their pregnancy so I shouldn't worry. Fat chance of that happening bozo. This kid has a death grip on my nerves.
We had our official 1st doctor's appointment on Friday and I was pleased to find out that I had only gained 1/2 pound. Not so bad considering I am eating everything from the kitchen sink to the cat's food. He told me that I should only gain 20 pounds. HAHAHAHA. Now that is funny. I don't want to hit the 200 marker but I think there's another "Fat Chance" for you DOC. I had already gained 14 pounds when I had Madison at 22 weeks. And since Madison didn't even weigh a pound, most of it was just me in all my fatness.
Constipation is one of the worst thinks God could do to a pregnant woman. Isn't it enough that we have to be sick and have weird pains going on in our stomachs and endure things being stuck up our glory hole for 9 MONTHS? Must we impact the only other place we can get things out of?
I think freak out mode has started after the bleeding event. It has officially become a real live issue. My body is starting to change. I no longer can suck in my stomach. The fat just sits there laughing at me. My doctor says my uterus is measuring a week ahead of schedule, meaning that my oh so cute pooch is about to get oh so not cute. I am actually glad to hear that because when I had the fibroids, Madison had limited space in my uterus and ultimately could have caused the restriction in her cord.
OH AND BEST NEWS EVER!!!!!! He said the last ultrasound showed NO FIBROIDS!!!!!!
Ta-Ta, you better stretch out and enjoy your cozy living quarters. I can't wait to eat your feet. Mommy and Daddy love you very much.
MommyLuLu
Monday, May 18, 2009
Here we are, in week 6, and I am going to barf my brains out. I don't even know what my name is....okay I am exaggerating, but still. This nausea SUCKS! I didn't have it this soon with Madison and when I did, it was on and off. NOW IT IS CONSTANT. If I eat something, it goes away. Lucky me, I am going to be the Goodyear Blimp by 3 months. I am trying to eat stuff good for me, like carrots and salad and those seem to work, when they don't smell funny. I find that whatever worked yesterday will not necessarily work today. I find little fixes for the moment. I just ate Cinnamon Toast Crunch and it was fabulous. I am living in the 5 minute glow of it right now, anticipating the return of the putrid demon from hell.
So we went to our ultrasound on Thursday last week and we saw Ta-Ta IN my uterus and heart a-pumpin like a cutie patootie. Can't believe we saw the heart beat so soon, because Ta-Ta was only 5w6d. The ultrasound tech gave us a few pictures of Ta-Ta and Joe and I decided that she/he looks like a RIVA MONSTA. Ta-Ta looked like Nessie, the Swamp monster, which we find adorable. Madison looked like a little dinosaur and Ta-Ta swamp thing....Our children definitely got Joe's looks.....
The crazy panic has not set in yet, probably because I have been so sick I haven't had time to focus on being crazy. Maybe I am still not believing that it is actually happening. Or maybe God has given me a little bit of peace of mind. I don't know for sure, but I will take it.
For now, in this moment, when I am not feeling the urge to purge, I feel good. I feel positive. I don't curse in my head, or out loud for that matter. I simply smile. Because I love Ta-Ta.
I sure do miss Madison though.
Love,
Crystal
So we went to our ultrasound on Thursday last week and we saw Ta-Ta IN my uterus and heart a-pumpin like a cutie patootie. Can't believe we saw the heart beat so soon, because Ta-Ta was only 5w6d. The ultrasound tech gave us a few pictures of Ta-Ta and Joe and I decided that she/he looks like a RIVA MONSTA. Ta-Ta looked like Nessie, the Swamp monster, which we find adorable. Madison looked like a little dinosaur and Ta-Ta swamp thing....Our children definitely got Joe's looks.....
The crazy panic has not set in yet, probably because I have been so sick I haven't had time to focus on being crazy. Maybe I am still not believing that it is actually happening. Or maybe God has given me a little bit of peace of mind. I don't know for sure, but I will take it.
For now, in this moment, when I am not feeling the urge to purge, I feel good. I feel positive. I don't curse in my head, or out loud for that matter. I simply smile. Because I love Ta-Ta.
I sure do miss Madison though.
Love,
Crystal
Monday, May 11, 2009
The Purpose of Existence
So there was a purpose to no posts in the last week or so. Mostly because I AM PREGNANT!!!!! I didn't think it was appropriate to announce it to my family members on this blog. A little too impersonal for me.
Purpose of Existence...The title of this post. I think one of mine is to be a mom. Of course, God always has different plans then those we set for ourselves, but I am fairly certain that this is one of my purposes. So when I found out I was pregnant again, my first thought was, I don't believe it. I don't believe that God and I are on the same page. And maybe we still aren't. I don't know.
We have named this baby Ta-Ta until we can figure out what the sex is, which is in about a bizzilion years. I am due on January 7th or 8th, depending on what site you look at. I have my first doctor's appointment on May 22nd. I have had some pain so I have already had an ultrasound last week, but it was too early to see anything. So we play the waiting game. My doctor has put me on Progesterone because my progesterone level dropped by 10 in a few days. A pre-cautionary really. I am waiting for test results back from today to compare. My HCG has gone from 237 on 4/30 to 1084 on 5/4 to 3619 on 5/6. So the numbers are tripling it seems every 2-3 days. Hence, I am disgustingly nauseous at times. There has not been any rhyme or reason to when. I think the medication is making me sick too. Food is a battle right now. Can't always figure out what I want to eat, and when I do I get over it half way through eating it.
All this and I am only 5 weeks and 3 days today. Oh crap, am I in for it... My sister yesterday was joking that maybe I am having 2, but what if she is right????? One thing at a time right??
So in a nutshell, this about sums up what has been going on the last week or so. Joe and I are really excited but TERRIFIED. I feel like part of me is holding back the excitement in case something were to happen again. You know, protecting myself. I hear it is normal and to be expected. The best way for me to describe the feeling is, I feel numb. I don't quite believe I am pregnant again (although the nausea really helps change that). I want to be so excited like I was with Madison, but I feel so reserved this time.
I already love Ta-Ta very much. He/She gets kisses by Daddy every morning and every night and Mommy rubs her/him all the time. This baby is definitely loved already. Maybe it doesn't matter how reserved we are because our hearts are already in it. Madison had us wrapped around her little finger since the moment we found out I was pregnant. I would bet a million dollars that this baby has already done the same thing.
We love you Madison. We miss you so much. Please watch over your little brother or sister as they grow in Mommy's tummy.
Love,
Your Mommy
Purpose of Existence...The title of this post. I think one of mine is to be a mom. Of course, God always has different plans then those we set for ourselves, but I am fairly certain that this is one of my purposes. So when I found out I was pregnant again, my first thought was, I don't believe it. I don't believe that God and I are on the same page. And maybe we still aren't. I don't know.
We have named this baby Ta-Ta until we can figure out what the sex is, which is in about a bizzilion years. I am due on January 7th or 8th, depending on what site you look at. I have my first doctor's appointment on May 22nd. I have had some pain so I have already had an ultrasound last week, but it was too early to see anything. So we play the waiting game. My doctor has put me on Progesterone because my progesterone level dropped by 10 in a few days. A pre-cautionary really. I am waiting for test results back from today to compare. My HCG has gone from 237 on 4/30 to 1084 on 5/4 to 3619 on 5/6. So the numbers are tripling it seems every 2-3 days. Hence, I am disgustingly nauseous at times. There has not been any rhyme or reason to when. I think the medication is making me sick too. Food is a battle right now. Can't always figure out what I want to eat, and when I do I get over it half way through eating it.
All this and I am only 5 weeks and 3 days today. Oh crap, am I in for it... My sister yesterday was joking that maybe I am having 2, but what if she is right????? One thing at a time right??
So in a nutshell, this about sums up what has been going on the last week or so. Joe and I are really excited but TERRIFIED. I feel like part of me is holding back the excitement in case something were to happen again. You know, protecting myself. I hear it is normal and to be expected. The best way for me to describe the feeling is, I feel numb. I don't quite believe I am pregnant again (although the nausea really helps change that). I want to be so excited like I was with Madison, but I feel so reserved this time.
I already love Ta-Ta very much. He/She gets kisses by Daddy every morning and every night and Mommy rubs her/him all the time. This baby is definitely loved already. Maybe it doesn't matter how reserved we are because our hearts are already in it. Madison had us wrapped around her little finger since the moment we found out I was pregnant. I would bet a million dollars that this baby has already done the same thing.
We love you Madison. We miss you so much. Please watch over your little brother or sister as they grow in Mommy's tummy.
Love,
Your Mommy
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
To Freak or Not to Freak
Hmm, let's go with not to freak. I think that is the safest thing at the moment. Where do I start? How about this past weekend?
So we flew out to Pennsylvania on Friday. The trip was long because we had a layover in Dallas. That airport is so friggin big. The Skylink thingy wasn't working so we had to walk from terminal C to A. It wasn't very far, but a little annoying since Joe said the last time he was in that airport, the tram wasn't working then either. Crappy, but we did get to ride the moving walkway and we felt like we were vampires in Twilight (obviously a reference to the movie....it sucked but I love the storyline). Anyway, we finally got to Baltimore and Joe's dad picked us up. It was about 8pm. We had an hour and a half drive to get to Lancaster, Pennsylvania. So we headed out. Since we hadn't eaten, we decided to wait till we got closer to York to eat. Guess were we ate???? CRACKER BARREL!!!!! I have never eaten there and was so excited! But it was a short lived happiness. I don't know what the hype is about, because it wasn't anything special. I will give it to them though, they do give you ALOT of food. And the atmosphere is right up my alley. But that about covers it. Oh well
We got the hotel and found out that it was the Rotary Club weekend.....Man those old people can sure party! We ended up on the same level as them and they were drinking and running up and down the hallways all hours of the night. They even invited us to come party with them. We decided to go to bed....couldn't keep up with the senior citizens.
The next morning we had to be ready to go by 10am. We had breakfast at McDonald's (which we ended up having EVERY MORNING we were there). We took a limo from our hotel in Lancaster to York, which is about a 45 minute drive. At the cemetery, we held a graveside service for Popop. It was very intimate. It was Joe's dad, his aunt and her husband, his cousin, Joe and I. We saw where Grandma was buried and where Popop will be laid to rest. Obviously it was very emotional.
We left from there and headed back to the hotel and got lunch. The memorial service was scheduled at 2pm so we headed over to Willow Valley where Popop lived out his life. It was a great service. John, David and MaryLou's husband spoke. Popop's nurse for the last few years was there. Some of his friends were there. In all, it was very intimate also.
After the service we headed over for dinner at the restaurant that Popop and Grandma used to go to when they celebrated. I can't remember the name, but it was really good. John bought 3 bottles of wine for the table, so I decided to partake in the festivities. I had about 1.5 glasses of wine. I figure it would be fine if I was pregnant since they say it is okay to have a glass.
There was a total of 12 of us at dinner, some of Joe's family I never met before. It was an interesting experience since almost all of them drank the wine AND had some kind of hard liquor. By the end of dinner, I think that half of them had way too much to drink....
As we were heading out of the restaurant, MaryLou's new husband was clearly one of them. He was hanging on MaryLou and his eyes were all glassed over. He took this opportunity to ask me what I was going to name the girl. WHAT??? He asked again what I was going to name the girl. At first I thought he was saying I looked pregnant and was basically calling me fat. But then I started thinking, is he talking about Madison? He said, " You already have 2 boys, what is going to be the girls name?" OK? Now was he getting me mixed up with Meredith? I quickly told him that I did not have 2 boys and that Jason and Meredith were the ones that had 2 boys. At that point you would have thought he would have stopped, but oh no. He kept going. He started talking about how this family needs a girl and that we should get on it. I just stared at him like he was the stupidest person I had ever met. I knew that MaryLou knew about Madison and how could he not know? This didn't end, it just kept going. I had to get in the car to get away from him because I wanted to hit him in the face. The drive home was VERY quiet. John tried to tell me that he didn't know what he was saying and that he probably had too much to drink. I told him that it was not an excuse.
When we got back to the hotel, I just wanted to go to bed. John called a little bit after we got back and said that he had spoken to him and he said he was really sorry and that he didn't realize what he was saying until he got in the car. I am figuring MaryLou said something to him. REGARDLESS, it was very insensitive and inappropriate to say the things he said to me, even if he did get me mixed up with Meredith. It would have been inexcusable if he would have said those things to Meredith. How can you say those things to two women who have lost their babies, and GIRLS? I am so disappointed in the lack of compassion. Alcohol is not an excuse.
We left the next morning to come home. I am glad I didn't have to see anyone again after the episode that happened the night before. I was ready to come home. What I didn't anticipate was the check back into reality. The last few days have been difficult for me. I am still not freaking out like I was before, but I am 13 days past ovulation today and technically I had already test 3 times by this time last month. I still have yet to test. I am scared. I think it is going to be a negative and it is going to stress me out and cause my period to lengthen again. I am supposed to wait until Saturday. It is difficult. I am impatient and want to know, but the disappointment last month was too much to deal with. So here I sit, with nothing really to take my mind off of it, except my move. I have to keep telling myself, I will not stress, I will not obsess. But man, that is easier said then done. I have symptoms, but who knows if they are period symptoms or pregnancy symptoms. They are all very similar and honestly, I don't trust my body anymore. It seems like now I have had the surgery, I have had to re-learn about my body. It is not acting the same as it used to. So I don't trust what I think I feel.
So pray for me. Not just about our "maybe baby" (that is what Joe and I call it) but about peace for this crazy time. I don't want to delay anything just because I am going crazy again.
MommyLuLu
So we flew out to Pennsylvania on Friday. The trip was long because we had a layover in Dallas. That airport is so friggin big. The Skylink thingy wasn't working so we had to walk from terminal C to A. It wasn't very far, but a little annoying since Joe said the last time he was in that airport, the tram wasn't working then either. Crappy, but we did get to ride the moving walkway and we felt like we were vampires in Twilight (obviously a reference to the movie....it sucked but I love the storyline). Anyway, we finally got to Baltimore and Joe's dad picked us up. It was about 8pm. We had an hour and a half drive to get to Lancaster, Pennsylvania. So we headed out. Since we hadn't eaten, we decided to wait till we got closer to York to eat. Guess were we ate???? CRACKER BARREL!!!!! I have never eaten there and was so excited! But it was a short lived happiness. I don't know what the hype is about, because it wasn't anything special. I will give it to them though, they do give you ALOT of food. And the atmosphere is right up my alley. But that about covers it. Oh well
We got the hotel and found out that it was the Rotary Club weekend.....Man those old people can sure party! We ended up on the same level as them and they were drinking and running up and down the hallways all hours of the night. They even invited us to come party with them. We decided to go to bed....couldn't keep up with the senior citizens.
The next morning we had to be ready to go by 10am. We had breakfast at McDonald's (which we ended up having EVERY MORNING we were there). We took a limo from our hotel in Lancaster to York, which is about a 45 minute drive. At the cemetery, we held a graveside service for Popop. It was very intimate. It was Joe's dad, his aunt and her husband, his cousin, Joe and I. We saw where Grandma was buried and where Popop will be laid to rest. Obviously it was very emotional.
We left from there and headed back to the hotel and got lunch. The memorial service was scheduled at 2pm so we headed over to Willow Valley where Popop lived out his life. It was a great service. John, David and MaryLou's husband spoke. Popop's nurse for the last few years was there. Some of his friends were there. In all, it was very intimate also.
After the service we headed over for dinner at the restaurant that Popop and Grandma used to go to when they celebrated. I can't remember the name, but it was really good. John bought 3 bottles of wine for the table, so I decided to partake in the festivities. I had about 1.5 glasses of wine. I figure it would be fine if I was pregnant since they say it is okay to have a glass.
There was a total of 12 of us at dinner, some of Joe's family I never met before. It was an interesting experience since almost all of them drank the wine AND had some kind of hard liquor. By the end of dinner, I think that half of them had way too much to drink....
As we were heading out of the restaurant, MaryLou's new husband was clearly one of them. He was hanging on MaryLou and his eyes were all glassed over. He took this opportunity to ask me what I was going to name the girl. WHAT??? He asked again what I was going to name the girl. At first I thought he was saying I looked pregnant and was basically calling me fat. But then I started thinking, is he talking about Madison? He said, " You already have 2 boys, what is going to be the girls name?" OK? Now was he getting me mixed up with Meredith? I quickly told him that I did not have 2 boys and that Jason and Meredith were the ones that had 2 boys. At that point you would have thought he would have stopped, but oh no. He kept going. He started talking about how this family needs a girl and that we should get on it. I just stared at him like he was the stupidest person I had ever met. I knew that MaryLou knew about Madison and how could he not know? This didn't end, it just kept going. I had to get in the car to get away from him because I wanted to hit him in the face. The drive home was VERY quiet. John tried to tell me that he didn't know what he was saying and that he probably had too much to drink. I told him that it was not an excuse.
When we got back to the hotel, I just wanted to go to bed. John called a little bit after we got back and said that he had spoken to him and he said he was really sorry and that he didn't realize what he was saying until he got in the car. I am figuring MaryLou said something to him. REGARDLESS, it was very insensitive and inappropriate to say the things he said to me, even if he did get me mixed up with Meredith. It would have been inexcusable if he would have said those things to Meredith. How can you say those things to two women who have lost their babies, and GIRLS? I am so disappointed in the lack of compassion. Alcohol is not an excuse.
We left the next morning to come home. I am glad I didn't have to see anyone again after the episode that happened the night before. I was ready to come home. What I didn't anticipate was the check back into reality. The last few days have been difficult for me. I am still not freaking out like I was before, but I am 13 days past ovulation today and technically I had already test 3 times by this time last month. I still have yet to test. I am scared. I think it is going to be a negative and it is going to stress me out and cause my period to lengthen again. I am supposed to wait until Saturday. It is difficult. I am impatient and want to know, but the disappointment last month was too much to deal with. So here I sit, with nothing really to take my mind off of it, except my move. I have to keep telling myself, I will not stress, I will not obsess. But man, that is easier said then done. I have symptoms, but who knows if they are period symptoms or pregnancy symptoms. They are all very similar and honestly, I don't trust my body anymore. It seems like now I have had the surgery, I have had to re-learn about my body. It is not acting the same as it used to. So I don't trust what I think I feel.
So pray for me. Not just about our "maybe baby" (that is what Joe and I call it) but about peace for this crazy time. I don't want to delay anything just because I am going crazy again.
MommyLuLu
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